tldr: Parenting is difficult enough without others constantly telling you you’re doing something wrong, especially when that “others” is your own parents. So here is a guide to help you navigate this without creating lasting damages in your relationship.
Most of us have been through the struggle of being grateful our kids have grandparents who love them to pieces, but at the same time wish we were our teenage selves again so that we can guiltlessly slam our bedroom doors in their faces for their constant nagging! (Unless you grew up in an Asian household where if you dared slam the door, you can expect to lose your door forever). Unfortunately, we’re no longer that young and do not have the audacity to do so anymore. So as a mature and responsible adult, here are some ways to manage your parents or in-laws when they try to tell you how to parent.
1. Always Remember That They Have Good Intentions
Sometimes we lose sight of this when we’re caught up in our frustration because we have already reiterated for the 99th time that the kids are not allowed a snack right before dinner, your three-month-old infant should not be given water, and Tiger Balm can’t be used for everything! When you find yourself pulling your hair and gritting your teeth, take a deep breath and remind yourself that they mean well. Your parents love your kids unconditionally and mean no harm. They are obsessed with their grandkids and just don’t know any better. Give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that they simply believe what they are doing is best for the kids. When you remind yourself of this, it is much easier to forgive them.
2. Acknowledge Their Perspective
Tell them that you hear them, that you understand their concerns. Often times it is just a matter of making them feel heard. They want to be involved and they want to help. So let them know you acknowledge what they are saying, have considered it, and appreciate their concern.
3. Be Vulnerable
It is okay to tell your parents you are tired or that you are struggling with this parenting thing. Show them you need their help and support, not their criticisms or judgement. They are grandparents, but first and foremost, they are YOUR parents. Just like how you want what’s best for your baby, they will always want what’s best of you, no matter how old you are. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable with your parents, they will immediately put on their mama-bear or papa-bear hats and listen. They will try to help you even if that means they surrender and lose a battle.
4. Blame it on the Professionals
Our parents grew up during a time when resources were not at their fingertips. If they had a question, they had to ask their neighbor who had 5 kids before them. They did not co-parent with Google like we do now. They relied on advice from other more experienced individuals. And who is more credible than someone with an MD title? Therefore, if you inform your parents that Dr. Lee said no blankets in the crib and she’s the one trying to freeze your baby at night, they would be on board with it.
5. Let Your Partner Handle Their Parents
Manage your own parents! Regardless of the relationship you have with your in-laws, it will never be the same as the relationship you have with your own parents. Messages are not received in the same way. If it is an abrasive message, your own parents will be less likely to hold a grudge against you. Take this command for example, “get your lazy butt off the couch and do some chores!” If your in-laws shouted this at you, your response and the way you internalize this will be entirely different from your response if this came from your parents. It is much easier to communicate and to get your message across when speaking with your own parents. They will not be as defensive and will less likely take offense to what you have to say.
6. Don’t be Afraid to Set Boundaries
At the end of the day, you should be in the driver’s seat when it comes to your children. You determine where you want to go and which route to take. Sure, consider other’s opinions, but that’s all it is, opinions. You must determine what is best for your child and ensure that other caretakers are on board with it. If they are not, don’t be afraid to respectfully say, “I’m sorry, but if you can’t be on board with these rules, I will have to set conditions for your interaction with the kids.” It is never easy to get to this point and to have to create these boundaries, but if this is what it takes, then try not to feel guilty doing so and don’t be pressured to give in.
A Note for the Asian Parents
In Asian cultures, filial piety (孝, xiào) has a huge emphasis on our up bringing. We have been taught from birth to respect our elders, especially our grandparents who sit on the throne of the family tree. This virtue which has been engraved into our blood and bones makes it that much harder for us defy our parents and to advocate for our children. However, remember that everyone just wants what’s best for the kids. Therefore, assure your parents that you know what you are doing. Remind them to trust that your decisions are made with your child’s best interest at heart. Sometimes they forget that and get lost in how much they love their grandkids that they don’t realize the ones who love them most are their parents.