Before I start, let me just say this: Having kids is a personal choice, and only the choice of the two people making the baby. At the end of the day, no matter what people may say, it’s up to you and your partner.
Now that we have that squared away, let’s talk babies, more babies that is. Whether you’re considering having your first baby or a second, or a third, or a tenth, there are many things to consider. The process can be divided into these stages:
- Stage 1: Just thinking about it
- Stage 2: Really considering it
- Stage 3: Decision made
- Stage 4: Planning
- Stage 5: Making it happen
If you are reading this article, you are likely still in Stage 1 or 2. You’re probably in the thinking about it phase and need some help deciding. Some people just know it. It’s in their gut and is a no brainer for them. They just know they want x number of kids and follow through with it. Some people are less sure because there may be many factors affecting the decision. Here are some things to consider:
Are you mentally ready?
First and foremost, are you actually ready for another child? Take moment and pretend that nothing is stopping you from having another baby, no financial barriers, no health issues, no space or childcare concerns. Will you have another baby? If this answer is a no, then stop right here and give yourself some more time. You obviously are not mentally ready yet, which is perfectly okay. Just revisit this question some other time.
If your answer is yes, then continue reading the other considerations. Just because you are mentally ready, does not mean you ARE ready.
Why or why don’t you want another child?
You should take a few minutes and write down all the reasons why you want another baby and all the reasons why you don’t. Writing it down gives you a clearer picture. Use it as a checklist of issues to resolve before having another baby. For example, if your reason for not wanting another baby is the lack of space, now you know your next goal is to move into a new home with more space.
Who are these reasons for? Are they for your spouse, parents, current children? Is it for short term reasons like you miss having a baby? Once you are done with your list, rearrange it from order of importance.
Finances
We can all agree that having a baby is expensive. According to the United States Department of Agriculture, the cost to raise a child born in 2015 for a Middle-income, married-couple is $233,610 ($284,570 if projected inflation costs are factored in) for food, shelter, and other necessities until the child age 17. This does not even include the cost of a college education! If only babies poop out gold, then we’d have as many as we want!
Are you capable of managing this financially? If you think this will be difficult for you, come up with a budget and give it some more time when you are at a better place, financially. Honestly, if you are going to be struggling to pay rent because of another child, now may not be the best time.
Relationship with Partner
How are things with your other half? If you are experiencing relationship problems, you may want to resolve them before you consider growing your family. Having a baby should never be a means to resolve a relationship problem. In fact, having a baby really puts your relationship to the test and if your relationship is rocky, you may want to work on it first. And remember, having a baby for the purpose of fixing your relationship is never a good reason.
Childcare
You know the saying, “it takes a village to raise a child”. If you don’t have a village at your disposal, do you at least have the means for childcare? Childcare is expensive, and if this is not something you can manage, you will need to figure it out first before having another. For some people, it may make more financial sense to be a stay at home parent rather than to go to work. Some people are lucky enough to have parents or in-laws who are available to take care of the kids. If you are already paying for a nanny, find out if the nanny will be able to manage two kids if you pay them more. Lastly, are you comfortable with sending your child to day care or hiring a nanny? If not, make sure you have alternatives.
Age Gap Between Kids
If you already have kids, how far apart do you want them to be in age? Some people prefer the bang it all out approach, while some people prefer to enjoy their child one at a time. There are pros and cons to both. Close in age means they’ll probably grow up being best of friends and fight all day long. It also means they’ll go to the same school for longer and you’ll spend less time picking up and dropping off at different schools. Spacing them apart may help with your childcare situation in that you won’t be taking care of two under two or under three, which can be daunting. Maybe now that your first child is older and relies less on you, you’re more comfortable having a second.
Are You Mentally Able To?
Are you mentally healthy? Having a baby is taxing for most people and postpartum depression is very real. Make sure you are mentally capable. Don’t push yourself too hard and remember, it’s okay to spend some time on yourself first and get yourself mentally ready first.
Are You Physically Able To?
Mental health is important, but without physical health, the possibility of having another child may not even be an option. How were your previous pregnancies? If you had major complications, make sure you consult your doctor before trying for another baby. Your health is very important. As much as you may want another child, you have to consider your kids and your husband now. If having another child means they may lose you, then it is not worth it.
Your Age
Women are considered high risk after 35 years old. So take that into account when you’re planning out your how far to space your children out. If you want three kids, and you’re already 33, you should probably start working on it sooner rather than later!
What Does Your Partner Think?
Make sure you discuss this decision with your partner. Afterall, it takes two to make it happen. Are you both ready? It’s not fair to either side if only one person is ready or want another child. It should be a decision you make together.
Do Your Children Want A(nother) Sibling?
It’s also important to consider your current children’s feelings. If they’re still young, they may not comprehend what it means to have a sibling. But if they’re a bit older, talk to them about it. See if they want a baby brother or sister. Also remember that although it’s important to consider other children’s feelings, their wants also change every second. Just because your son absolutely do not want another sister does not mean he won’t want one tomorrow and vice versa.
Gender
How important is it to you to have a daughter or a son? If you already have two sons, is having a daughter important enough for you to try again? Will you be okay if your third is another son? Weigh the risks.
Space/Living Situation
If you are already a parent, you know it’s not an exaggeration when I say kid’s take up A LOT of space. Do you have space for a newborn or a toddler? Will the kids need to share a room and will it be okay to continue to share a room when they’re older? If not, what are the plans for your living situation? What about a car? Will you be able to fit another car seat or stroller?
Can You Deal With Pregnancy Again?
Any woman who has carried a child can tell you, pregnancy is not easy. Between the morning sickness, the back pains, the heartburns, and the cramps, that’s already enough to cripple you. If there are complications, you could be on bed rest for months! Are you ready to endure child birth? Don’t forget about postpartum recovery. The weeks after birth is tough to say the least. Lastly, are you okay with the aftermath of carrying a baby, such as stretch marks, weight gain, baby brains, memory loss, hair loss, etc.?
Time
Do you have time for another kid? Not just now, but consider the future. The more kids you have, the more activities you need to attend. What happens if school plays land on the same day for your kids? You think managing a schedule for one child is difficult? Trying arranging the activities for 3 or 4 kids. Then you’d need to hire a personal assistant!
Career
Is your career a factor in this? One of the biggest reasons women have always been at a disadvantage compared to men when it comes to career was that women were expected to be home with the child. Having a child is literally a disability and puts a women out for at least one month, and that’s considering if she doesn’t even take any extra time for recovery or the maternity leave she has. And that’s if there were no complications. Of course, companies are finally starting to catch up and give parents more accommodations now, but most companies are not yet there. Can your career take this hit?
Ready for Lifestyle Change?
If you have an older child now, things are probably running pretty smoothly by now. But add an infant to the picture and it puts you back to square zero! Your whole life and your current children’s lives will be disrupted. Are you ready for this chaos?
Please remember that having a child or another child is a life changing decision, and a decision that is way beyond just what a list of questions can answer for you. At the end of the day, you need to really ask yourself what is the right decision for you and your family. Talk to your spouse and talk to your children. Make a decision together as a family.